Moving Forward Step By Step

“This selfish decision he made… would shatter my bond with him for eternity…”

This week has been a blur. Had it only been a week since I lost him? Had it only been such a short period of time since we started to move together finally, only to have his deal renegotiated? His name, what was once pleasure on my lips now burned with caustic fire to even whisper. I hurt, so much… I know that people were trying to help me, but what I needed none could give. I needed him. And the gods know, I was willing to let Lilith try. But as soon as the notion entered my mind, I squashed it down. I know I can’t, but I want him so badly to be alive, it’s killing me.

I have been a roller coaster, emotional highs and depressive valleys. Every time I feel even a little better, my world comes crashing down on me again. I didn’t know just how repressed my emotions had been, but I had no filter anymore. When I needed to cry, I did, and often. When I needed to rage I did, and I destroyed acres of forest earlier today because I looked at his bier and felt angry. Anger at him for leaving me, anger at myself for finally giving in to him, anger at Merlin for walking away from those that could help him heal. And so I let it all out. It felt amazing, but the drakon had to reign in part of me, the part that had the white fire coursing through my veins. I knew it was special, I knew it was powerful, I knew he wanted to save it for Kane, or better yet, Jason. 

As I crawled my way back to the cabin, the rage took that much out of me, I reflected on this week. Lucifer had returned and with him a strong sense of comfort. He held me, just held me and let me cry. He rubbed my scars gently, taking the itch away; the scars I would keep until I died. I certainly was collecting them. These ones though were small, slight puncture marks from Lycaon’s claws, when we were beginning to get going before Thoth intervened. I cursed him, then and there. If I ever ran into him, he would be getting a piece of my mind. 

My mind went back to the rest of the week. The thing that stuck out in my mind, was Gabriel. I could have roasted him when I went drakonic the night of his death, and yet the archangel had been nothing but supportive, even teasing. It was, odd, how pleasant things felt with him. It was easy, like it hadn’t always with Lycaon… effortless. I wondered why, and as our conversations grew more in-depth, so did my interest and respect for the archangel. He was dichotomous, and I fell into it. Every time I felt that, I felt like I was betraying my feelings for Lycaon. And yet, I couldn’t help but continue to interact with him, bargain with him, and just be near him.

The archangel, being near him was as easy as breathing, he was that intoxicating. I was getting lost, and for once, I didn’t fight the currents as it brought me closer to Gabriel. He hadn’t come down this morning for our usual toast, coffee and chit-chat, but I knew he would. I wasn’t angry, or worried. I just crawled back to the cabin and slumped down on the couch. I remember sending an angry fire message to Merlin, I guess I was a little raw, and we got into it, but my heart wasn’t really in the fight. He left, and I curled up, my afternoon taken up by sleep. I was exhausted and I didn’t know if it was from the rage, keeping back the white fire, the argument with Merlin, or something completely different. I just knew I needed to be on my A-game for tonight when everyone showed up for our planning session. 

I woke up late in the afternoon, exhausted, but ready for the evening, and began cleaning. Almost everyone would be here this evening to hammer out the details on what our plan was for taking out Kane. Honestly, I didn’t care, I just wanted the bastard’s heart in my hand when it was over so I could watch it burn by my flames. I made sure everything looked nice, laid out the bar, although I kept my personal brews hidden behind wards, and then Morgan came down. She offered her help and I just asked that she watch and greet anyone that came in, I really needed to shower. 

The hot water hit my skin, and I was surprised to note how little the burns stung any more, and how quickly the scars were healing. The small ones on my back from Lycaon, the sword cuts from Kane, and most importantly, the hole in my chest from where his blade dug into my heart. I ran my fingers over these permanent additions to the canvas of my skin and for once it didn’t horrify me. Medea, you need to get that shard back from Solomon Kane. The drakon warned me as my fingers rested above the hole. If only to put there dear. The kindness, and tenderness in his voice, made me realize just how scared he was that he’d almost lost me two weeks ago.

“I’m sorry my friend, I haven’t been able to take care of me, or you very well have I?” I felt him grumble within me and I chuckled. “Come on then, let’s check on the baby shards quickly before we head back downstairs.” Maybe there would be people downstairs when I returned… maybe he would be there. Why was I so nervous about seeing Gabriel all of a sudden? 

You’re moving on Medea, it’s what he would want. The drakon stated, a little smugly for my taste, but he was right. I could feel my heart, what was left of it anyways, resting on the currents, hurtling towards possibly the only person who could heal it properly: the Archangel Gabriel.

https://curseofthefallen.wordpress.com/2020/05/13/moving-forward-step-by-step/

Published by Natalie Bartley

I am a fantasy/sci-fi/smut writer, my first book "Love and Pain in Zion" is available on Amazon. I am also scribing for Medea, the Sorceress of Colchis on the blog Legends of the Veil (https://curseofthefallen.wordpress.com), and Amphitrite on In the Pantheon (https://inthepantheon.com). My husband and I are planning on opening up a New Age/Metaphysical store, where I am running the storefront and he is running the services in the back. Since he is already a licensed interfaith minister and can perform weddings in Ontario, and a Reiki master, we can start offering services soon. I am enrolled in Witch School International as a seminary school of the Correllian Nativist Tradition. I have mostly completed my First Degree clergy status, and am almost finished my Second Degree. Brian and I run a local temple (Temple of the Night) which is a part of the Correllian Nativist Tradition. We are currently the only temple with full temple status in Canada.

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